This Twisted Journey
The End is Near

Okay, so I thought I was going to write on here so much more than I did. I’m sorry.

But. The year is almost over and I have something to say in reflection: I did too much in 2012. I tried to grow and change and shake things up and I’m starting to think maybe I overdid it. In 2012:

  • I moved from my parents’ house to my best friend’s apartment to an apartment with a roommate: that’s 3 residences in 12 months.
  • I lived with my best friend and her girlfriend then my craigslist roomie then her craigslist subletter: that’s 4 roommates in 12 months.
  • I moved from the Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific: that’s 2 coasts in 12 months.
  • I cut off all of my hair on January 2: that’s 12 months of the shortest fucking hair my head has ever seen.
  • I lost weight and had to learn to dress and work with a new body: if you’ve ever changed your look dramatically, you know what I mean—it’s jarring. So, 1 new body in 12 months.
  • I fell in love for the first time: that’s 1 ecstatic heart in 12 months.
  • I had my heart broken by romantic love for the first time (there are a million other ways to break a heart): that’s 1 extended period of tears and sobbing phone calls to my mom and closest gal pals in 12 months.
  • My best friend and I stopped talking: that’s one severed heartline in 12 months.
  • I got a job in retail, then I started bartending, and then I began teaching bartending: that’s 3 jobs (at one time!) in 12 months.
  • Debt: let’s not even talk about it: that’s too many k’s to face in 12 months.

Everything that happened isn’t bad: I love my new hair and my new body and my new friends and even my new coast. However, everything’s taken an emotional toll and I think I burned bright—so bright, maybe too bright—this year and now I’m fizzling up and burning out. I now have no constants: my friends have changed, my home, my very body. 

fuck.

In 2013 I resolve to start slow and to change the way I take care of myself: what I have going now clearly isn’t a perfect system. So for the rest of 2012, I think I have to start figuring out what the new plan is so that I can find some level of consistency in my life and still feel like I’m pursuing everything I desire. Right now I’m surviving, but in 2013 I want to find a way to switch that to thriving.

wish me luck. 

please… and thank you.

x

-S

Now That We’re Really Into 2012…

Hello, World—

It’s March, but I feel like it’s only just hit a point where I can say that I have a feel for 2012, like I’ve had time to roll the first chunk of the year around in my mouth and decide if I like the taste. I’ve decided that I like it the way I like homemade funfetti cake, which is to say: I love it!

This year has been a year of change and growth from the start: I cut off all of my hair on January 2nd and I left the east coast on the 3rd. By the 12th, I was in Los Angeles. February was so monumental that I can’t believe I haven’t written a post about any of the many adventures! Last month I earned my bartending certification, joined a local poetry workshop, and began working at Macy’s as a Sale Associate (which, believe it or not, I love so much). Now it’s March and, wouldn’t you know, I just enrolled in a Life Story writing course down on Santa Monica. You all, my life is nothin’ but change this year and I really really really love it!

In fact, I’m going to go as far as to say that 2012 might be the year that saves my life. I’m not sure what I am saving myself from—monotony? unhappiness? boredom? laziness? complacency? conservative mindsets? a serious lack of confidence? regret? my past? what-ifs?—but I believe whatever happens this year will effect my life much more substantially that anything I can imagine today. 

Maybe it’s just the Ani Difranco songs pumping through my headphones.

Whatever it is, I feel something I haven’t felt nearly enough since childhood: sheer trust in my future. Wherever you are, I hope you are having that same trust and—if you aren’t—I wish you the best of luck in finding it. 

xo

S

I Could Just as Soon Fly as I Could Fall
Well, I’ve been in Los Angeles for just over a month and I’m still unemployed. I feel like such a slacker: what have I been doing with my life? 
It’s moments like this that I want to cry out about how everything is so dramatically horrible. But then I think to myself, “Sondra, don’t be stupid: you’re like as awesome as the Awesomesaurus Rex (which you created, so you know it’s good).” In an attempt to feed myself an ego to keep me going another week, here are 5 things I’ve accomplished since moving to LA:
Thing One: I took a bartending course and passed my bartending certification exam. 200 drink recipes now live in my brain… why didn’t I do this in college?
Thing Two: I made new friends—when you think about how much energy that can entail, it counts as an accomplishment.
Thing Three: I convinced myself that eating meat substitutes other than tofu is okay and can even be yummy. (Although, nothing on this green earth compares to an In-and-Out burger, bloody fucking hell, those are delectable)
Thing Four: I volunteered to aid in running the National Conference for Queer People of Color. I’m curious to see what the conversation is like: I love listening to people talk. LOVE IT SO HARD.
Thing Five: I saw the sun set on the beach. Have you ever sat and seen nothing but water for as far as you can see? It’s kind of overwhelming how much water is out there and how far it goes and what maybe lurking under the surface and what lives on the other side of that expanse of water, whenever, wherever it ends. And then to watch the sun set, that water becomes a pool of black that could suck you and everything you know into it with only ripples and waves and it’s terrifying but also beautiful. It’s beautiful because, once the sun disappears into the ocean, you can turn around and see the neon pink lights of the bars and restaurants and head shops and all of the people laughing and eating and talking and skating and it’s like you remember this is the world you live in and you still have the chance to explore everything within it. There’s so much everything out there that you can’t even fathom what the everything is, but you can explore it.
I must sound really crazy. But I do love beaches and every time I watch the sun roll down into a body of water, I feel like I’ve just pulled through some thrilling ordeal. Thus, it counts as an accomplishment.
Really, the point of this entry is to let you know that I’m still trying to “make it” in LA (which, honestly, means “procure enough money to pay rent”). Maybe I’ll make it and never leave this lovely city. Maybe I won’t make it and I’ll have the chance to cross the country by car for a second time, in the summer. At this point, there’s really no way of knowing. Just cross your fingers and wish me luck.
Besos,
S

I Could Just as Soon Fly as I Could Fall

Well, I’ve been in Los Angeles for just over a month and I’m still unemployed. I feel like such a slacker: what have I been doing with my life? 

It’s moments like this that I want to cry out about how everything is so dramatically horrible. But then I think to myself, “Sondra, don’t be stupid: you’re like as awesome as the Awesomesaurus Rex (which you created, so you know it’s good).” In an attempt to feed myself an ego to keep me going another week, here are 5 things I’ve accomplished since moving to LA:

Thing One: I took a bartending course and passed my bartending certification exam. 200 drink recipes now live in my brain… why didn’t I do this in college?

Thing Two: I made new friends—when you think about how much energy that can entail, it counts as an accomplishment.

Thing Three: I convinced myself that eating meat substitutes other than tofu is okay and can even be yummy. (Although, nothing on this green earth compares to an In-and-Out burger, bloody fucking hell, those are delectable)

Thing Four: I volunteered to aid in running the National Conference for Queer People of Color. I’m curious to see what the conversation is like: I love listening to people talk. LOVE IT SO HARD.

Thing Five: I saw the sun set on the beach. Have you ever sat and seen nothing but water for as far as you can see? It’s kind of overwhelming how much water is out there and how far it goes and what maybe lurking under the surface and what lives on the other side of that expanse of water, whenever, wherever it ends. And then to watch the sun set, that water becomes a pool of black that could suck you and everything you know into it with only ripples and waves and it’s terrifying but also beautiful. It’s beautiful because, once the sun disappears into the ocean, you can turn around and see the neon pink lights of the bars and restaurants and head shops and all of the people laughing and eating and talking and skating and it’s like you remember this is the world you live in and you still have the chance to explore everything within it. There’s so much everything out there that you can’t even fathom what the everything is, but you can explore it.

I must sound really crazy. But I do love beaches and every time I watch the sun roll down into a body of water, I feel like I’ve just pulled through some thrilling ordeal. Thus, it counts as an accomplishment.

Really, the point of this entry is to let you know that I’m still trying to “make it” in LA (which, honestly, means “procure enough money to pay rent”). Maybe I’ll make it and never leave this lovely city. Maybe I won’t make it and I’ll have the chance to cross the country by car for a second time, in the summer. At this point, there’s really no way of knowing. Just cross your fingers and wish me luck.

Besos,

S

Which Route Do I Take Now?

Hola amigos y amigas,

I’ve been here for a little over two weeks now and I’m coming out of the honeymoon phase where I love my decision to move across the country and slipping into the reality of my financial situation. I haven’t secured a job yet and I’ve only got so much in the bank to live on. On Thursday (the start of week 3) I decided that freaking out and having no plan just wouldn’t do any longer, so I enrolled in bartending courses, to start Monday… as in, tomorrow.

I’m thinking that—if I can secure a job somewhere—bartending school will have a much higher immediate ROI than college. There’s something slightly unsettling about that, don’t you think?

In other news, Nina Bruja, my finnicky little Dodge hasn’t had any brakes on the driver’s side for, like, a week! I took her in to the shop for an oil change and am super thankful the boys checked her over because that easily could’ve been a seriously tragic situation. Instead, it was just a minorly tragic situation because I had to pay to have new brakes, calipers, and rotors installed. Shoot.

But, hey, it’s January, it’s 6pm, and rather than huddling under an electric blanket in my sketchy old east coast apartment (which I did love), I’m sitting barfoot on a balcony in Los Angeles next to a palm tree and my liklihood of getting hypothermia is nil. Also, my upstairs neighbors are blaring “House of the Rising Sun” by the Animals, which is only one of the best tracks ever. So there is still much to be thankful for! 

Besos,

S

We travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls.

Anaïs Nin

(via lotus-eyes)

Entry Two: …And We’re Off!
I arrived in Los Angeles yesterday with my youngest sister, A, in tow. After an eight day roadtrip through the southern half of the U.S.A. I’ve finally reached my destination! From Hampton Roads in Virginia to Los Angeles in Cali, I’ve literally just driven from coast to coast.
On the last day in the car, A asked me if I was nervous about moving to L.A. I told her that I was afraid I would get here and hate it. I told her that I was terrified I’d arrive and find that I had quit my job and left my secure bubble for nothing.
It’s only been 24 hours, but I can already tell that I’m going to be okay out here. The same humming in my bones that convinced me to shake off my nine-to-five and jump into this unknown is gently pushing me onward. Do you remember that scene in West Side Story where Tony sings, “Something’s Coming?” I feel Tony’s excitement tonight. Something is coming. Something good.
Cheers!
S

Entry Two: …And We’re Off!

I arrived in Los Angeles yesterday with my youngest sister, A, in tow. After an eight day roadtrip through the southern half of the U.S.A. I’ve finally reached my destination! From Hampton Roads in Virginia to Los Angeles in Cali, I’ve literally just driven from coast to coast.

On the last day in the car, A asked me if I was nervous about moving to L.A. I told her that I was afraid I would get here and hate it. I told her that I was terrified I’d arrive and find that I had quit my job and left my secure bubble for nothing.

It’s only been 24 hours, but I can already tell that I’m going to be okay out here. The same humming in my bones that convinced me to shake off my nine-to-five and jump into this unknown is gently pushing me onward. Do you remember that scene in West Side Story where Tony sings, “Something’s Coming?” I feel Tony’s excitement tonight. Something is coming. Something good.

Cheers!

S

Entry One: How Do I Start This Thing?

Hi world! 

I promised my friends, family, co-workers, and uncatagorizable aquaintences that I would blog my dive into the cloudy pool that is my future, so here I am. 

I’m assuming that most of the people reading this know me but, if you don’t, here’s the sitch: Last month I quit my job in Virginia and decided to move across the country to live with a group of my closest friends (aka sisters from other Misters) in Los Angeles. I wasn’t in love with my job or the life I was living and I felt that I needed the wide open road, a few random experiences, and a total overhaul of my environment to figure out where to focus the next year or two of my life.

I’d been hoping for a grant to come through from Roadtrip Nation to offset some of the costs of the trip. The requirements of the grant were that I videotape and/or blog my travels and that I interview at least 3 people who are living a life they love (since, you know, that’s the goal of this journey). As it’s past my intended trip start date and I’ve heard nary a word, I’m assuming that this grant isn’t going to be mine. That’s fine. 

Either way, I’m going to blog my travels and—for fun—I think I’ll do the interviews too!

Now the only problem is starting the trip: I meant to leave this morning, but my car hasn’t moved an inch. My father is asking me to stay a bit longer, my mother echoes his pleas, and my youngest sister and potential roadtrip partner-in-crime is questioning her desire to make the journey with me. None of this is made any easier by the fact that I am only just now packing and that I always get emotional when I decide to leave home for longer than a few weeks: you’d think I’d have gotten the hang of this by now!

My plan is to eat dinner, pack my clothes, and then take stock of the situation. Who knows? Maybe I’ll pack the car tonight and sneak out while the world is sleeping: this thing has to start sometime.

Until tomorrow,

S